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not even in my sleep am I safe..

It’s horrific that the idea that even when I lay down in a safe place, I close eyes to rest my mind and I can still be deeply disturbed by what you have done even 10 years later.

The reality that each and every single dream can haunt me for weeks on a constant replay like a broken record stuck on repeat and you hate the fucking song, you can’t stand it. You creepy on in like Freddie fucking Kruger from nightmare on elms street you would honestly do just about anything to get away from but it is in your head there is no escape your stuck. I’m locked inside a prison I can see the bars covering my eyes, my soul is stuck. Is There’s no way out?

It’s been a year since I have been diagnosed with complex trauma.

At first I refused to believe such bullshit! How could I be suffering the same battles someone who went and served for their country is. There is no way my traumatic experience could be similar to theirs. It took a couple of weeks and physicists visits to have me understand why I would be suffering from complex trauma due to the childhood trauma I have encountered.

I was mad that because of you I was suffering, you caused this. You selfish fucking bastard no care for anyone but your self. May god have mercy on your soul MR.

but I’m not mad anymore you took all my anger, I’m not sad anymore again you have taken all of it. I can’t even hold you accountable anymore because i am the one who held myself in this victimised state of mind all these years. If anything i am mad at myself for allowing you to not only take those ten years away from me but for me continually allowing it for the next 10.

NO MORE ! No fucking more!

It stops right here today no longer will I be in fear of something that does not hold a threat anymore, no longer will I hold your guilt for something you should feel extremely guilty for. No more feeling sorry for myself and throwing validating pity party’s for myself.

Today is the day I take control back ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿผ

You aren’t allowed to control me, my life, my journey and mind anymore! It’s time I take it back and prove to myself what I am worthy of , capable of achieving and hopefully helping others overcome the same suffering I have felt.

Thank you again if you took you’re time to read this. I appreciate more thank you know. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผ

As always if you feel like you want to leave a like or even a follow ๐Ÿ’•

For now Jade x

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