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Iā€™m tired.. oh so tired.

Its wrapped around me covering me from head to toe like a slithery snake holding its prey for the kill. The weight is unbearable causing so much painful Pressure inside that I can’t hold it in anymore Im a tea pot ready to blow.

I try and try to remove the slithering darkness that surrounds me, my thoughts, actions and emotions. I read constantly on ways to get the griped loosed, I’m tired oh so tired from the constant battle within. It’s hard to be me and be you at the same time, it’s hard to know who I am anymore without your breathe in my ears.

I don’t remember when you first started to grab me and pull me within the waters to drown me with your darkness’s but I feel the tightness around my chest daily now, just ease up a little a let me breathe please? I don’t want to grab my chest in fear this breathe my be my last as you grasp tightly.

I want to remember what it feels like to go out without you constantly screaming in my head how worthless I am, nobody cares oh and your favourite just kill yourself. I wonder all the time what it must feel like to look in the mirror without you, Not hearing you voice that is ice cold in the silent of the night before I sleep.

They don’t know how good they have it do they? To not be stuck with you? To not constantly be under attack fighting what feels like myself but it’s you! It’s You slivering on in my life trying to destroy me.

But god have mercy on you D because I’m strong and willing to fight I may be tired but I’m not a quitter! Yeah today you won but tomorrow is my day!

For now Jade x

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not even in my sleep am I safe..

It’s horrific that the idea that even when I lay down in a safe place, I close eyes to rest my mind and I can still be deeply disturbed by what you have done even 10 years later.

The reality that each and every single dream can haunt me for weeks on a constant replay like a broken record stuck on repeat and you hate the fucking song, you can’t stand it. You creepy on in like Freddie fucking Kruger from nightmare on elms street you would honestly do just about anything to get away from but it is in your head there is no escape your stuck. I’m locked inside a prison I can see the bars covering my eyes, my soul is stuck. Is There’s no way out?

It’s been a year since I have been diagnosed with complex trauma.

At first I refused to believe such bullshit! How could I be suffering the same battles someone who went and served for their country is. There is no way my traumatic experience could be similar to theirs. It took a couple of weeks and physicists visits to have me understand why I would be suffering from complex trauma due to the childhood trauma I have encountered.

I was mad that because of you I was suffering, you caused this. You selfish fucking bastard no care for anyone but your self. May god have mercy on your soul MR.

but I’m not mad anymore you took all my anger, I’m not sad anymore again you have taken all of it. I can’t even hold you accountable anymore because i am the one who held myself in this victimised state of mind all these years. If anything i am mad at myself for allowing you to not only take those ten years away from me but for me continually allowing it for the next 10.

NO MORE ! No fucking more!

It stops right here today no longer will I be in fear of something that does not hold a threat anymore, no longer will I hold your guilt for something you should feel extremely guilty for. No more feeling sorry for myself and throwing validating pity party’s for myself.

Today is the day I take control back šŸ™ŒšŸ¼

You aren’t allowed to control me, my life, my journey and mind anymore! It’s time I take it back and prove to myself what I am worthy of , capable of achieving and hopefully helping others overcome the same suffering I have felt.

Thank you again if you took you’re time to read this. I appreciate more thank you know. šŸ™šŸ¼

As always if you feel like you want to leave a like or even a follow šŸ’•

For now Jade x